I definitely don’t have a prostate. The cancer was localised in the prostate so, logically, I should be free from cancer entirely. Of course we can’t say that. Even when the PSA test (hopefully) indicates a level of somewhere around zero I still can’t be 100% sure. I had no idea that I had cancer before diagnosis so who knows what timebomb is lurking deep inside me. Of course that is a particularly negative interpretation of my position. A more measured and beneficial view would be to feel pleased that I have come through this, somewhat intact, and ready to face the next of life’s inevitable challenges. Forgive me for saying so but it has been a journey.
I should fill in some details since my last post. I recall that I had made the decision to go ahead with a surgical procedure called ‘Radical Prostatectomy’. Technically, this means they remove the whole of the prostate gland and another bit nearby. I didn’t have a date for the operation but suggested it would be in around 6 weeks. This turned out to be quite accurate and I went into hospital on the 4th of November. I won’t go into too much detail – they let loose the robots on me in the evening and I had my breakfast stolen by the man in the bed opposite me the next morning. Then I came home and lay in bed for a few days. I had a catheter in until yesterday and now am back to doing most things but still feeling tired by the evening. I can sleep on my side which almost compensates for my having to get up for a piss again (and again). The catheter/wee-bag arrangement was unpleasant in many ways but not entirely without its perks.
This, then, is me now. I am exercising my pelvic floor as that is the only control I have over my bladder. I will have a PSA test in 4 weeks then a fortnight after that an appointment with my consultant. Medically speaking, I should, by then, be back to ‘normal’.
Cancer, operations – indeed, any medical intervention don’t just affect us physically. There is an emotional and psychological effect and that is more interesting than my modified plumbing arrangement.
A friend of mine suggested I might feel ‘cleansed’ following the removal of my cancerous gland. At the time I couldn’t really work out what the feeling was so I agreed but on reflection that doesn’t really describe it at all. There is obviously a strong connection between internal physical sensations and our minds interpretation of them. I believe the term is interoception and it is stronger in some people than others. A good example of how you might have experienced it is when you can feel your heart beating inside your chest. Mostly, though, our organs go about their work and report back to the brain through a combination the body’s electrical signals and chemical balances. It is all done outside of our conscious experience. There are times when our brains need to tell us to take action as a result of the information is has received. If my bladder starts to fill then at some point I need to go to the toilet and empty it (assuming I am not catheterised). The period of time I have to complete this function depends on the efficiency of a number of other organs. My kidneys have to extract what my body needs and sends the rest to the bladder. One of the main functions of the prostate gland is then to act as a valve on the bladders release of its contents. My prostate was slightly enlarged and so it made this part of the process feel more urgent (this is what alerted me to their being a problem in the first place). I now no longer have this valve and so, in order to prevent the urine being released willy-nilly, if you will, I have to come up with a new means of control (or wear a nappy). I wasn’t entirely aware of what the prostate was doing but I was very appreciative of its effect.
Surgical interventions that involve the removal or replacement of an organ or, in this case, gland, shift the burden of responsibility for their continued effective functional performance from the unconscious mind to the conscious. If you have an organ transplant then you will have to take a combination of drugs to ensure that the body accepts the new member of the team in order for it to perform. In my case I have to now encourage another part of my body to assist with the work the prostate previously carried out. That is quite a challenge but it’s also quite exciting. I get to know more about how my body works. I, paradoxically, gain more control over this particular process as previously, with a working prostate, it was outside the realm of my conscious mind.
That is how I feel mentally. I am stimulated and actively engaged with something I previously wasn’t. I don’t quite know how this is going to go and I am not sure how I am going to feel but I am, without doubt, on it because I have to be.
Emotionally, I don’t know. So much has happened on other areas of my life that it is difficult to interpret of how this will play out. I was told immediately prior to the operation that I might feel a bit weepy afterwards for no apparent reason and that certainly happened. I suspect it was more to do with the drugs wearing off. I had no particular attachment to my prostate beyond the obvious attachment it had to my bladder. It wasn’t a life or death, last roll of the dice, type of op either. Very straightforward and went exactly how the surgeon, anaesthetist and nurses all said it would. Consequently I feel stable emotionally if not physically.
Two weeks on from my procedure I am getting stronger every day but something happens each day to remind me of what I have been through. I will take it steady and ‘listen to my body’ and I’ll settle back into a pattern of life similar, but not the same, as I had before.
I owe a debt of thanks to all the good people at the NHS who helped me through this from my GP acting swiftly at the first sign of a potential problem through the radiographers, the doctors and nurses, the anaesthetist, the surgeon, the porters who all did their bit to get me here today. And a big thank you to my family who have looked after me since I got home and to everyone who has wished me well or just thought about me at some point in the last 18 months.
Finally, men reading this – get yourself checked, this is such a straightforward condition to treat if detected early enough. You owe it to yourself and your family so what are you waiting for?